Patricia "Pat" Bender

Patricia "Pat" Bender, 87, of Sanibel, FL, and formerly of West Milford, NJ, passed away peacefully on Wednesday, May 13, 2026, at her summer home in Hendersonville, NC. She was comforted in her final moments by the presence of her daughter, close friends, and her beloved rescue cat, Zoe.

Born and raised on Staten Island, NY, Pat was the only child of Harry and Margaret Rue. She grew up in a vibrant household that included her Scottish grandmother, Christine “Teeny” Kirkwood. Her parents, both avid amateur tennis players, passed down a lifelong love for the game to Pat. From her grandmother, she learned the art of sewing—a skill she put to frequent use as a tall woman of 5'10", proudly crafting her own wardrobe. She also inherited a deep appreciation for the arts from her mother, an accomplished impressionist painter whose artwork beautifully adorned Pat’s homes throughout her life.

Pat graduated from Wagner College with a Bachelor’s degree and began her career as a dedicated kindergarten teacher, later becoming a popular grammar school substitute teacher. Her passion for early childhood education and lifelong learning led her to become a co-founder of a nursery school program at a local Methodist Church.

It was during her college years that Pat met Daniel Bender, a young engineer, after a thoughtful setup by their mothers. They married in 1960, beginning a beautiful 59-year journey together until Dan's passing in 2019. Early on, the couple shared a deep bond with nature, often packing picnic lunches to enjoy at the top of a hill overlooking High Crest Lake, where they eventually built their family home, raised their children, and active members of the community.

In 1997, Pat and Dan officially became "snowbirds," chasing the warmer winter weather down to Sanibel, FL. In 2004, they parted with their long-time New Jersey home to permanently split their time between Sanibel and the beautiful mountains of Hendersonville, NC.

Throughout their long marriage, Pat and Dan were inseparable, especially on their daily walks. Whether they were strolling around the lake in New Jersey, walking the beaches of Sanibel, or exploring their neighborhood in Hendersonville, they always held hands. They often joked that early on, it was for love—but later in life, it was also to hold each other up.

Pat lived life with a quiet energy and a generous heart. She was a dedicated volunteer, serving as both a Cub Scout Den Mother and a Girl Scout leader. She was a devoted member of book clubs for over 40 years, participated in the High Crest Lake Women’s Club, and lent her time to local theaters in both Sanibel and Flat Rock, NC. Known for her soft-spoken calm demeanor, her extensive and stylish collection of hats, and her gift for being a wonderful listener, Pat brought a gentle warmth to everyone she met.

Following Dan's passing, Pat was blessed to be cared for by her daughter, Betsy, who lived with her for many years. Thanks to Betsy’s ability to work remotely, Pat was able to continue splitting her time between her two favorite places, traveling back and forth to Sanibel for as long as she was physically able.

Though complications from Parkinson’s disease brought physical challenges and a wheelchair in her final years, Pat’s family and friends remember her far beyond those limitations—as the active, vibrant, and independent woman she always was. She faced her health challenges with a quiet resolve and remarkable determination, earning her the recent, affectionate title from her doctor as "one tough cookie."

Pat is lovingly survived by her children, Greg Bender and Betsy Bender, and she will be deeply missed by the many friends and family whose lives she touched.

In lieu of flowers, donations may be made in Pat’s memory to the following organizations which held great meaning to her and her family:

F.I.S.H. of SANCAP, PO Box 58, Sanibel, FL 33957 | 239-472-4775 | Donate online: https://fishofsancap.org/donation-form/

Four Seasons Hospice Foundation, 211 Main Street, Hendersonville, NC 28792 | 828-513-2440 | Donate online: https://fourseasonsfdn.org/ways-to-give/give-today/

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